The Disassociated Press 2024 Democratic Primary Power Rankings
New Fight Starts Now Motherfuckers
This list will be updated and re-released periodically, though it likely will not happen again for a long time because obvious reasons and also would you look at that I gotta go, my speed skating team is doing a 20 piece jigsaw puzzle.
Anyway
Elizabeth Warren
Bernie
Kamala
Elizabeth Warren but in a monocle and a top hat
Cory Booker
Beto
Gavin Newsom
Stacey Abrams
Mayor Pete
Jay Inslee
Amy Klobuchar
Hank Green
Elizabeth Warren smoking a cigar in a dark alley saying she "heard I got money problems"
Charles Booker
Steve Bullock
A ghost that looks judgmentally at me when I don't eat enough vegetables
Ben Gates from National Treasure
Elizabeth Warren's farts
JB Pritzker, I guess
Sherrod Brown
Joe Biden
Tim Ryan