The Disassociated Press is a Thing Now, and There's 2 Things You Can Do to Stop It.
How I learned to stop changing everyone's default search engine to Bing, and as a result found myself on the wrong end of a cease and desist letter from a flock of zebras in Namibia.
This is The Disassociated Press. There's a world of news out there, and there's a hot dumpster fire over here. Enjoy. Or don’t. You think I give a shit? Well I do. I stay up all night pawing at a tiny ball of orange string pondering the deepest stretches of the universe so that you will not just like, but *ALSO* subscribe. Just one is not enough. You have to do both. This is of vital importance.
My mom says that if I don’t get 20 new subscribers by this time next century, she’ll stop putting extra cinnamon in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch®. And I absolutely fucking did not climb THIS HIGH only to be felled by schmucks like Shawn Skalinsky. Stupid Shawn Skalinsky. Shawn Skapoopsky I say.
I put my swimsuit on just like you all, head first, sliding it all the way down my body and down one leg until I can lift the other leg through it and pull it back up again. Which is why I can say with more honestly than anyone else in the world that here at The Disassociated Press, we will never stop trying to stop trying. We will be unceasing in our ceasing. We will persist in our desistance. This is how we ensure you receive the best quality of journalism available anywhere on the internet, as long as you literally never go anywhere else other than disassociatedpress.substack.com. This is The Disassociated Press Guarantee®©™. This is The Disassociated Press®©™.
And now, a call to action. There’s only one way to end this. When you, the massed huddles, rise up, call Papa Johns, and ask him where Mama Johns is, you can put a stop to all of this. When you declare yourselves true believers in the utility of adding salt to a pot of boiling water to flavor pasta, you can change the course of history, and end The Disassociated Press’s quest to conquer the Aberdeen, South Dakota slow-pitch softball league. These are your 2 things.
Welcome. I’m so sorry you’re here, and it’s entirely my fault.